For All Time

Instance and meaning. Place and being. Its her words I "felt" had faded, which at the time meant nothing, but now mean everything. Place and being. We are the Heroes saving one one another, saved once and for all time. Sure its complicated to try and explain something so simple. But explanation or understanding was never the point. Only belief. Only one point to another. It is what it is, this life is what it is. What I say and write will only ever be what they are. Now I don't want to talk none sense, as I have been often known to write of. Because most of the time all I feel is nonsense. No clarity, no sanity. I only feel chaos and tearing. However this may be just more words I end up throwing up just to see how fascinating they could be. Therefore, I would like to say I regret forgetting memories I'd rather keep and holding with a death-grip the moments I would be most inclined to forget. But what is it in this soul of mine that traces the ridges of my scars like a fond madman. With his lop-sided smile and cackles; he is crazy and I shiver.

To You For Sure

All peace in all peace out. Fisherman I am and I have hooks in every today; next day maybe. I had to be there; of course for you, but my props are inventive. I gots hooks there sure, hooks in you. All peace in all peace out, lets breath together. All together... all in all out. When 'ur born, all in. When you dead, all out. In love all in. In pain all out. All peace in all peace out, watch what you take in, sneaky what you get out. 20 years to the day, I've sped through a thousand momments. ahhahah, game, her, pain, them. All of it is a river in my head, debris of yesterday and the river bends to some unknown tomorrow. I have thought long and hard on what it was I am to say to you. What I am to say to myself. Steer, this is where we shall go. Avoid the sharp pointy rocks and choose the clear path. Never back away from your convictions, always be honest. Endure hardship and learn their lessons. Feel pain but accept it. It fades after a momment. I wish I had... so many "wish I HAD".. never held a bloody knife, never bit until skin broke. Its not very pretty, the picture of me. Painting all over the walls. Honesty? Honesty can be very frighting, not in what it is, but what it reveals. But a light breaks in when all is unveiled. I thought long and hard about all my thoughts. Futile mostly. Most are a waste of time, lost on a path that doesn't even exist. But you're real, my pen is real. This room is real. How about I think about that. You were here yesterday, laughing at me. We left the house and walked to the end of the lane. Where ever that is and wherever we were. Who ever we were. Silence. In this room I remember you. I always think back on all that you said, I recall how you cried. Tears of joy and perhaps pain. But I remember your smile and exactly what made you smile. I was always a sucker for those smiles. I couldn't even be serious. But without you I always am. Serious as death. I face it everyday. I obey all the rules I can, but I know some radical possibility is always out there that could snuff out my life. But most likely not. So whatever. All the cliche sayings have been branded on my mind, "MAKE THE MOST OF TODAY". Perhaps they have all exhausted their striking wisdom. But still I always have to admit the truth in their words. And I will. I will make most of these momments without you. The One I Love Who Now Is Gone.

Somebody Pushed Me From Behind

In the silence of an evening I notice nothing but the wind pushing it's way through trees. Its quite out here in a home that sits at the edge of town. The setting sun has swung to the far side of the horizon. For only a momment, I wish I didn't know where it disappeared to. I wish I didn't know what lay beyond the moutains rising far to the west. Why am I here I asked myself... Yesterday I was suppose to leave this place. It didn't make much sense but I was suppose to die. Just like that I would have been gone. It was suppose to be fate, I saw it and I knew for sure it was my time. But... somebody pushed me from behind. Staring hard at all that was around me, I looked accusingly at everything. The swaying trees, the grass, rocks, clouds. Culprits. Conspiritators in the henious crime of my salvation. All of them! I grip the grass at my knees and played again in my mind what happened that day. The day... I was born. Still to this day it is difficult to understand. Here I was making my merry way into Possiblity. Far away in a place of dreams, I sat wide-eyed as they pieced me together. Commisioned by a master who I could not understand. He mumbled sounds and there was such a light shining in his eyes; especially when he looked at my unnit form. I was careless as all these forms bustled around hurridly inputing data into machines, scratching notes, frowning at me in thought. Light shone everywhere. Lights were even being placed in me. I didn't know what it was but I felt like was waning, being pushed away. But I never moved. As I felt myself sliping away the workers hurried even more till everything I saw became a blur. The master came and went like a wirlwind with his bright smile. Flash. Flash. After a while the sounds of creation started to die down and I struggled to stay where I was. Now the only worker there was the master himself. I couldn't take it and started to make frantic movements and strange muffled sounds. With only a light flash of concern he chuckled and kneeled down next to me. With careful hands he looked at me for a long time. Smiling, sighing, even laughing. All the while looking into me. At last far away a horn gave a loud rumbling blast. He didn't stop looking at me as he raised me up. Bringing me close he breathed on me like one breathes on glass to clear it up. But instantly I solidified like frozen glass. Happiness floated all around him and I didn't understand why I was the focus of it all. A tiny tear formed at the croner of his left eye. Brushing it with a finger he chuckled and placed a strong hand on me. Then he said the only thing I could understand, "Live". Suddenly as if his touch was the only thing keeping me there he let go and I vanished. In the darkness I felt nothing, heard nothing, and saw nothing. But only for a momment. A wind started to push me and I remembered the master's breath. There was a weight all around me and I struggled towards the source of the wind. All around lights started to blink into existence, like stars. These far away dots slowly became larger and I could tell they were just like me. Also like me they rushed to the source of the wind. The wind became a howl and the space around me cut and ripped at me. As we raced along in the screaming darkness lights disappeared. Everywhere the space was glittering. I began to feel a tug on my form, I suddenly realized I wasn't moving myself. I was being rushed to a fixed point. A tiny ball flew past me around it was wrapped noises of its passing and in a tiny flash it disappeared. Then I saw it. The point in my mind where I was being guided, it pulled at me and I longed for it. I knew for sure it was my time. The wind howled around me as I fell faster and faster. Just at the point when I knew I was about to disappear a tiny ball suddenly hit me from behind. I was pushed out of the vortex and away from the point of entry. The tiny ball made sounds like the others and disappeared. For a brief momment I was left to wonder what happened and then the howling built up again and soon after I disappeared. I ended in far away from the world I was suppose to enter. Far away from the death of my baby sister. Far away from the war that ravages my whole country. Far away from a life that would have been mine. But this is where I am. Here beneatht this sky and everyday I grow my certain it was for a well-thought out and intended purpose. And everyday I grow more deteremined to exact that purpose.

Rumble Tumble

Sometimes I am as real as a glass window and on the misted panes I write letters to you. I can never really show who I really am and niether can you really show me who you are. We all write to one another, through actions, through words, and through thoughts. Showing shadows of our real selves hidden in these decaying shells. No I can never really show myself to you, so I write on these window panes. "This kid loves you". Silence. "This guy needs you". Silence. A small fingertip traces the words quickly and frantically. All that I ever wanted to say sits plainly on the outside of my heart, but to trust anyone to draw near those treasured words is a notion I run from. Upon hearing a man in a forest, a deer instintively poised to run. To run for life to run from pain. Danger. I would admit I have often felt this way. My dear sister is always quick to get the heart of a matter and I mean the very heart. That is what I love most about her. She is the only one that seems to want to know what I truely feel. And if others have wanted to know, they never asked. Perhaps I wouldn't tell her all my mistakes, but my mistakes are not my feelings. So, I could imagine myself always being able to speak with her about those things that hurt me the most. But with others this an intimacy I dread. You have not speant the years with me, to deserve these words. I want my words to worth their weight in gold, with which we buy the purest love. I know from this seeing you as you really are takes time. Knowing and loving you as you are takes time. I know from hurts you also would like to hide from me. Sometimes people's questions can seem like knife stabs rather than caring hands, but such is the matter of hearts. I remember one time in highschool I was asked a question along the lines of: "What does a guy want in the world". I said, "To be appreciated". Everyone laughed. Then at the time I didn't know, but I my answer related to my own desire to be appreciated. However, being a methodical and deep thinking as I am I gave the answer I thought everyone could relate to. Not the superficial answer like money, cars, or women. Perhaps it wasn't what I wanted or needed most in the world. But it sure was one of the many things we all have been designed to want. This reminds me of that thought that says that every human has been created with a "God" shaped hole in their hearts. That in these longings to be appreciated, to be respected, or to ultimately be loved. It is only God our maker, who fits and completes that hole. I like to think of myself as a robot, and Jesus bought a lost and vital peice that is key to my functionality. Without that peice I can never fully work or to do what I was engineered to do. You all know how Jesus bought this precious part of all of us. :)